Monday, December 29, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else's standards or demands, is not living a full functioning life. We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically).
Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person's head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations. Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.
As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. IMMEDIATELY--when you realize that someone is crossing the line, especially verbally, say to yourself in your head first, "I will not take your guilt".
Now that you are warmed up, let those words roll right off your lips. It is very empowering. If unable, then just say it to yourself mentally until you can express it. Picture a hula hoop and 50 feet of garden hose in a circle. Those represent your boundaries. Without any verbal responses to people, they can get real close to you. Hence the hula hoop. Not much room to move around in. However when you begin to address these remarks and verbal attacks, letting others know what you will tolerate and won't tolerate will put them on notice that change is coming about and it is all "about" you.
NOW you step out of the hula hoop and step into the 50 feet of garden hose. Much more room to operate in as people will only get as close to you that you let them. Give this a run around the block a couple of times and see if you have success with it. I am not saying this is easy to do nor that you have to. I am saying that it is necessary for your own survival and quality of life. I am also saying that as long as you allow these situations to continue, you can expect more of the same.
So-unless and until you decide what you want in your life, just expect the same old stuff to continue. EVERYONE is allowed to establish boundaries between ourselves(what we accept from our self and what we won't), others and situations. When it becomes difficult and you loose your way, then it is time to call the Coach.
I wish you Godspeed with this as we were not done with the topic and just with this short bit of information I am just about out of ink!!!!! I hope this will help. Thanks again for your time!!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Distrust of one's own spontaneity
Loss of self confidence
Growing self doubt
Uncertainity of self
Loss of enthusiasm
Fear of being crazy
Having reluctance to come to any conclusions
Has a strong desire to escape or run away.
A constant, nagging concern that something is wrong with you.
Let these be the light to help guide you along your way of becoming the person you were meant to be. Positively impact your tomorrow and take a careful look at your right now. Let's begin today to create a different history, as we begin to walk out of that and into the light of a new beginning. Be the change you want to see happen in the world.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
If you are a leader or would like to become one, can you list 6 reasons why anyone would want to follow you? Do you look for what you want in others instead of what you don’t want? Are you a good motivator and builder of self worth, self confidence and self esteem in people? Does your message say “I am responsible”? Do you have an attitude of gratitude or “something else”? Let us be more concerned with leading others to be “on their way” instead of “in their way.”
Setting a positve, healthy, functional example of being a leader, definitely comes with experience. You will consistently have people's support, even though you will make mistakes along the way. If the very people you lead, know and understand you have their back, they will allow you the space for you to grow into, especially when they realize it also becomes better for them in the end. To sum this subject up, here are 5 soul searching questions to ask yourself, to help you develop this poise and effectiveness we are referring to:
1. Can you take a reprimand without blowing up?
2. Can you take a turndown without becoming discouraged?
3.Can you laugh with others when the joke is on you?
4.Can you keep your spirits up when things go wrong?
5.Can you keep cool in emergencies?
Master these five and you will become one of the most effective, rolemoldeling, accomplished and productive leaders who will lead with confidence!!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Men have this classic ability to offer up explanations when an apology is due. Sometimes this explanation will be embellished somewhat, to establish credibility with his woman. Interesting enough, the thought is, the better the explanation, the increased chance it will be believed and accepted. Wrong!! When men have an apology between men, one apologizes to the other, he accepts it-done deal, the conversation is over. When a man needs to give an apology to a woman, after the I'm sorry, the conversation has just begun. Women need to express their feelings about what the man did and make sure he knows why she is upset and understands it. A woman's ability to forgive will begin when she hears the description of what happpened. It is called a "Nadjective". This is referred to as a "negative adjective". If a man was rude, insensitive, offensive, he says, "I was rude, insensitive and/or offensive". Nadjectives!! She hears that "he gets it". Now she can move to doing the forgiving because he has the chance to respond to how she felt about this and how it affected her. Men-here's the key. Bring the "I"m sorry" right away. You owe it-she's due it--pony up. Next-listen to her response and hear her share the feelings which were created. This is not supposed to feel good so grin and bear it to learn the lesson. When she is done, then respond with the appropriate "nadjective". If you do not focus on your mistake, she will until you do. Your choice. Here's the distinction between saying I'm sorry and asking for forgiveness. When you say you are sorry, that means you didn't know what you were doing and someone got hurt in the process. Asking for forgiveness says that I knew what I was doing and I am ready to step up and take responsibility for what I did. The more a man apologizes and is forgiven, the more considerate he becomes. Strangely enough, by doing all of this, there is an incredible power we will have to bring more happiness into our life and isn't that what we all deserve?
I know this got quite long however I believe you will agree this is an important subject for us all to take notice of. Thank you John Gray for all your expertise/research about Mars and Venus and most of all, thank you all for your time!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
*****The last part of this series will show how apologies are made on Mars and Venus.*******
Sunday, June 22, 2008
On the next continuing blog we will explore the distinction of what he/she says vs what he/she hears.
Note: If there is a subject you would wish to have information on, please email me as a comment about this blog and I will be happy to include it. Till next time.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Unforgiveness is a form of self abuse. Being unwilling to forgive is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. An apology only stops the bleeding, it never really heals the wound. Mediocrity always attacks excellence. Life is about letting-not getting. We are participants in life, not anticipants. Trying is failing with honor. Be on your way not in your way. Life is about scattering not just gathering. The more I understand myself the more effective I can be with others. Life is not meant to be a struggle. Energy flows where attention goes. What you allow--you teach!! Last but certainly not least, I came up with an acronym for L.I.F.E C.O.A.C.H.--- Living Is For Everyone --- Changing Our Attitudes Creates Happiness :). Anyone who knows me, more than understands how I love acronyms and pictures to think in!! I hope there is something in this lineup you can take with you, which will help you in your life.
Godspeed to you along your life's journey.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Start choosing today to positively respond to others by communicating with a very different yet healthier dialogue. The saying comes to mind," The more I understand myself, the more effectively I can work with others".
Monday, March 24, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
- What are your three distinct personal values?
- What three areas of self-development would you like to improve?
- What can you stop doing today which is keeping you from getting what you want?
- If people hold negative perceptions of you, are they generally true? If not, how are they wrong?
- What do you want to be happy and what are you willing to do to get it?
- What will it feel like to get what you want to be happy?
In looking to redefine our lives in one way or another, we need to hold a mirror up for a time to look at the very obvious. After a period of time of doing this, with work, then we exchange the mirror for a window to go and experience our growth realized. These questions aren't the end all however, we all need a starting point and this can serve as a new and different beginning.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Being a coach, it is my belief we all need to be very aware and identify the triggers which set us off and be totally honest with ourselves first, before we can begin requesting of others of what all we need. Because over 80% of Americans suffer from some form of adrenal fatigue like Dr. Wilson says, that is a staggering statistic yet testimony to what our new focus of wellness has to be. There is no one size fits all for handling stress yet just acknowledging it is there will help tremendously. Let's be willing to become proactive of developing a game plan for better combined health, as this will be the first step on your road to recovery.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Never disapprove of who a child is, disapprove of what they do.
Seek first to understand so you can be clearly understood.
Never punish, that is counterproductive--use healthy discipline
which teaches new ways of thinking. REMEMBER: Positive
discipline looks for solutions, punishment looks for blame.
Always be looking for ways to give praise--children respond so well to it.
Instruct them as to "what" you want, not what you "don't" want.
Know how children develop.
Adults must maintain self control: The biggest reason for low self
esteem in children is lack of self control in adults.
Build healthy relationships with your children.
I know there are no absolutes for how to positively impact each child, however, the more we learn about proper child development the more fun we can have along the way. I hope these
strategies will be helpful and remember to give yourself an "adult time out" to get centered, as you are doing without a doubt one of the hardest, most difficult, thankless jobs out there.
Monday, February 11, 2008
1. Know and understand what your core beliefs are.
2. Tell yourself "First" the absolute unvarnished truth.
3. Start living your authentic life.
4. Have healthy self messages of "I".
5. Develop a high level sense of self worth.
6. Become a role model for others to follow.
7. Get in touch with your feelings.
8. Set very definitive and non-moveable boundaries.
9. Be a great listener while you communicate effectively.
10. Either restore, have, or keep your integrity while you role model that for others.
If your life is out of sync in any of these areas, this would serve as a mirror to hold up, to become a reflection of work needing to accomplish.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
So many times our own actions, reactions, words and gestures will create the very hardships our relationships will experience. We come to blame the other person who is "reacting" to things we have just said or done. If your message being sent has an air of manipulation, control, judgements or disdain, just to name a few, then you have the makings of an all out and out battle.
Dr. Graydon Goss, Md says, "There are three major areas we call triggers which have strong tendencies to start so many of the conflicts between people, and they are:"
Accusations: These are well intentional statements or questions that are meant to express hurt, but instead imply blame. Hurts are inevitable and as much as we try to avoid them we just don't. These accusations are expressions of anger instead of hurt. "You never pay any attention to me", instead of "I'm feeling lonely." "Why can't you ever be on time?", instead of "I am feeling impatient and have been worried." We all have the tendency to make it about somebody else instead of an expression of self.
INVALIDATIONS: This is when we imply someone's feelings are wrong, misguided, inappropriate etc. "You shouldn't feel that way." These are and can be very subtle however, they really hurt. Feelings are very real, believe it or not. Anger generally precedes hurt and that goes to the bone. Be careful. Acknowledge others feelings and offer to help if you can.
PHONY FACTS: These are opinions and (mis) perceptions expressed as though they are fact."
"I was born in PA." That is a fact. "Your Mother treats you like a child." That is an opinion. These will always invite disagreements, rebuttal or defensiveness. People will usally feel attacked this way. Is this what you want to create in your life?
All three of these triggers are well intentioned but ineffective attempts to communicate. Accusations--hurtful substitutes for expressions of feelings.
Invalidations--hurtful substitutes for expressions concern.
Phony facts--hurtful substitutes for expressions of information.
Let's learn more effective ways to communicate.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
- Be kind! Be kind! And Be kind!
- Be an example to others.
- Be sensitive and exercise better judgement.
- Be a non-participant of gossip.
- Be mindful of "your business" only.
- Become approachable.
- Respect the privacy of others.
- Always get more information before making decisions.
- Let's not attempt to read the minds of others. Stay out of their heads.
- Earn each others trust and respect.
- Avoid sarcasm AND criticism.
- Acknowledge people doing the right thing.
- Take a sincere interest in others.
- Look where you can give sincere compliments to others daily.
Every journey begins with the first step, as we all have heard through our lives. Developing a positive attitude of gratitude will keep us from developing "Psychoschlorosis", as Zig Ziglar would say. What is it? Hardening of the attitudes. Yes--it is a manufactured word, however our hearts and minds do not know anything different than what we teach it. Realize what you have to be grateful for and YES-this all has to do with positive thinking. Will positive thinking let me do anything? Absolutely not. BUT-it will let me do everything better then negative thinking will. Remember the 10 two letter words of success: "If it is to be, it is up to me".
Have a Great Day!!
Friday, February 1, 2008
As relayed to me from a coaching client this past year, this comes to us from a Oprah show on determining the amount of happiness we all are experiencing. It is a short five question excerise which you will score your answers, to determine where you are on the "Happiness" continuumm. The questions are very generic, however your answers will be very specific. Here we go:
Your grading key will be from 1-7. One being "not much in agreement" with seven being "very much in agreement." Be careful to focus only on what you are reading and refrain from going to the answer scale. We want this to be an absolute, unvarnished reflection of your truth about yourself. Let's proceed........
1. In most ways, my life is close to ideal.
2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
3. I am satisfied with my life.
4. So far, I have gotten the important things in life.
5. If I could live my life over again, I would change almost nothing.
Let's see how you did. 31-35--Extremely Satisfied
15 and Below-----Dissatisfied
In Between-------So very much work to be done
What I found interesting, the happiest person on the show panel of guests was the funeral home owner of 35 years. The person scoring the lowest was the one looking to "be" the happiest. We all need to look at the very energy we are using each day. Let's determine if we are creating positive or negative attributes to our life and people around us. When I reflect back to clients who have worked beyond their life situations and have evolved, it helped me to look at the word C.O.A.C.H. and give it an acronym: " Changing Our Attitudes Creates Happiness". Take time to reflect on you, while giving "you" what you need. Be a great day.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.
To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else’s standards or demands is not living a full functioning life. We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.
Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically). Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person’s head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations.
Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.
As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. Please feel free to contact me so we can begin to set the necessary boundaries you need to have in creating your authentic life.
Learn the combination of techniques and tools for unlocking the way to live a balanced, calm, quality filled and authentic life. Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired of the way people speak to you and treat you? Do you say to yourself “I deserve to be treated better than this but don’t know how to ask for it without creating more anxiety and conflict?”
We are all products of our upbringing and there comes a time for us to “rise above our raisin’.” What we were given through the role modeling of our adult authority figures, might have come up short, as to what we truly need to live a balanced life. When people emotionally cut us off at our knees, we have real feelings about that. We essentially give them permission to do this by our inability to defend ourselves. However, our reactions usually place us in conflict with the other person or persons.
By working with someone who supports you 100%, a Coach will assist and challenge you to learn each technique needed for individual growth. To learn assertiveness is to effectively know how to negotiate, positively influence and truly listen to others so as to know what and how to respond. By sharing who you are, what you are about and what you need the most, a Life Coach will hear you and will help guide you through the maze of change.
Let’s bring you exactly what you need to become the authentic person you are destined to be. As you begin to evaluate what assertiveness information or any other self development area you recognize the need for improvement in, please feel free to contact me and together we can discover how this can work for you. You owe it to yourself to be as happy and content in this life, regardless how others want to upset your very self. Let’s reclaim your power and have it be working for you.
If we walk around daily with self deprecating thoughts and phrases, just as sure as these words are in print, your subconscious will be taught to remind you of your negative points. The conversations you will engage others in will either contribute to the quality of your life or it will continue to contaminate every aspect of your day to day existence.
How does that become a gift to you, your family, children, mate, business associates or anyone else? Practicing radical, positive self talk affirmations will begin to diffuse these volatile, negative, “think/stink bombs.” All of this begins as a life process to immerse yourself in and a coach will
strategically help guide you all the way through. A Coach will always “have your back” and will be your biggest cheerleader of support.
If you are interested in designing a life full of healthy, interactive communication techniques, then I would very much like to hear from you. Let’s discuss together how we can jointly develop a wellness plan and system of success for your communication needs. Remember—“A powerful communicator empowers others and encourages others to express themselves”.