Monday, December 29, 2008

Conflict--How We Start It and How We Can Stop It.

Do you sometimes think conflict is following you around just waiting to foul up your day? We seem to travel in and out of these "zones" coming to believe that we just move in and camp out there. So what is creating so much conflict in people's lives? Discontent, anger, jealousy, resentments, betrayal, disappointments etc. One could suggest that the turmoil people experience on the inside, no matter what the reason, causes conflict on the outside. When this happens, we do not need another person to help take our day off track as we have already done that ourself. Some people feel threatened in different ways causing fear and pent up rage which needs to be vented in a healthy fashion. You can take most all of these reasons for creating inner turmoil and title them all with "not enoughness". This is the major cause of conflict. Just understanding that the fear of not being good enough, having enough, doing enough is going to cause all of these emotions to swell up inside you. Dr. Becky Bailey will tell you that one way to get out of "not enoughness" is to shift your attitude to focus on the answers. LOOK at what needs to be done and create an attitude of gratitude. That is being thankful and appreciative for what you have already. Find the "goodness" in people and not look for all their faults, as if there is a reward for doing so. With some folks that is like picking low hanging fruit. Life is not about getting what you want, it is about wanting what you have. If that isn't to your liking, then get proactive with change. Develop an intentional attitude of finding what is working for you. Remember-you find what you look for in life and you become what you repeatedly do. People will never be able to get into conflict with you without your permission. With a definite and deliberate shift in your thinking, this can be a changing day in your life. Want it so much that nothing will stand in your way till you get it. I wish you all Godspeed in the very serenity you choose to make part of your daily life.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Follow Up on Boundaries

Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.

To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else's standards or demands, is not living a full functioning life. We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically).

Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person's head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations. Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.
As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. IMMEDIATELY--when you realize that someone is crossing the line, especially verbally, say to yourself in your head first, "I will not take your guilt".
Now that you are warmed up, let those words roll right off your lips. It is very empowering. If unable, then just say it to yourself mentally until you can express it. Picture a hula hoop and 50 feet of garden hose in a circle. Those represent your boundaries. Without any verbal responses to people, they can get real close to you. Hence the hula hoop. Not much room to move around in. However when you begin to address these remarks and verbal attacks, letting others know what you will tolerate and won't tolerate will put them on notice that change is coming about and it is all "about" you.
NOW you step out of the hula hoop and step into the 50 feet of garden hose. Much more room to operate in as people will only get as close to you that you let them. Give this a run around the block a couple of times and see if you have success with it. I am not saying this is easy to do nor that you have to. I am saying that it is necessary for your own survival and quality of life. I am also saying that as long as you allow these situations to continue, you can expect more of the same.
So-unless and until you decide what you want in your life, just expect the same old stuff to continue. EVERYONE is allowed to establish boundaries between ourselves(what we accept from our self and what we won't), others and situations. When it becomes difficult and you loose your way, then it is time to call the Coach.
I wish you Godspeed with this as we were not done with the topic and just with this short bit of information I am just about out of ink!!!!! I hope this will help. Thanks again for your time!!