Sunday, June 28, 2009

Is Herbal Medicine Effective For Depression?

By Dr. Tara Peyman
Saturday, June 27, 2009

When it comes to treating depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders, the best course of action is to address the underlying cause. You may just want to take a pill that covers up your symptoms. But if you prefer to get to the root of the problem and treat it naturally, there are many options that are safe, effective, and affordable. Botanical (herbal) medicine is ideal for anyone who wants a natural alternative to taking medications with harmful or unwanted side effects. There are a wide variety of medicinal plants, and we can prescribe these herbs to you as either capsules, liquid extracts, or teas.It is important to check with a naturopathic physician before beginning any new botanical prescription, because some herbs have strong medicinal properties, and may interact with other medications. There are also several different options regarding the strength and frequency of dosing medicinal herbs. By talking with a doctor who specializes in natural medicine and knows about not only how to prescribe botanical medicine, but also how to determine drug-herb interactions, you will be sure to get the best and safest results.Botanical medicine can be very effective for treating a variety of conditions, and may be used in combination with other therapies in order to restore health. Certain herbs can decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety, such as:
St. John’s Wort (Hypericum)
Passion Flower (Passiflora)
Lemon Balm (Melissa)
Kava (Piper methisticum)
Siberian ginseng (Eleuthrococcus)

Many other herbs like St. John’s Wort can be helpful for symptoms of depression. This herb works by prolonging the time that serotonin is in the blood, thereby allowing serotonin to work longer. St. John’s Wort also slows down the reuptake of dopamine and GABA from the synaptic cleft. This can result in feelings of happiness, relaxation, and better energy. Passion Flower, Lemon Balm, and Kava are often helpful for anxiety, because they promote mental tranquility and reduce restlessness. These herbs can also be used to help with insomnia. Siberian ginseng can help to improve energy, promote better physical endurance, and also reduce the negative effects of stress. This type of ginseng is energizing, but somewhat less stimulating than some of the other types of ginseng available. Before you try any of these herbs, check with a naturopathic doctor to determine the ideal dose, or whether one herb or a combination of herbs would be best for your symptoms. Botanical medicine works well in combination with other natural therapies, and many of the best formulas for depression and anxiety contain both vitamins, amino acids, and herbs, for optimal mood support.
Tara Peyman, Naturopathic PhysicianFeel Like Yourself Again With Natural Medicinewww. Tara Peyman is a licensed Naturopathic Doctor in the state of Arizona. Her expertise is treating depression and anxiety with natural medicine

Saturday, June 27, 2009

What do You Know About Adrenal Fatigue?

Are you aware that you have stress glands to help you cope with all of life's problems? That is what our adrenal glands are referred to which help us handle all of what life throws at us. These glands are the size of a walnut which sit up on top of each kidney. We can suffer adrenal fatigue if our body has the inability to cope with everyday stressors. Every aspect of our life from injuries to relationship problems can be affected without the proper functioning of these glands.

As we list the different stressors being physical, emotional, environmental and psychological; they will all be responsible for giving folks a physiological malady. This fatigue is very real, as clients I have coached who have experienced this will tell you, it is so powerfully real and debilitating.

Dr. James A. Wilson's book, "Adrenal Fatigue" goes into great detail about this topic and is recommended highly. We will refer to some of his specific research.

Studies have shown that 90% of Doctor visits are the result of our inability to cope with stress effectively. Up to 80 % of Americans suffer from some form of diagnosed illness in the U.S., yet this remains one of the most preventable conditions.

This fatigue is generally triggered by some form of stress, be it mild, or severe. If your capacity to cope or recover is exceeded, some form of fatigue can occur. IF--there is any respiratory condition that exists prior to this fatigue, it will cause it to come on much quicker. Dr. Wilson goes on to say, "The highest contributor of this disease, are feelings of powerlessness, perfectionism, being a participant in a no win situation and also internal emotional stress".

People's lifestyles are determined to be the most important part of anyone's fatigue recovery program. This would be paramount in creating a foundation for change. Folks will need this change the most who are feeling trapped, helpless and ones who are victims of continuous difficulties. Many times the causes of adrenal fatigue are not obvious because the combined stressors looks so different.

All health drains which come from factors affecting our adrenals can be caused by: fear, caffeine, lack of good food, toxic people in dysfunctional relationships, chronic pain, lack of regular sleep, death of a loved one, negative attitudes, beliefs and many others too numerous to list. There are three choices immediately we can make. (1) You can change the situation, (2) change yourself to fit(adapt), (3) you can leave the situation.

Learn to identify the very "energy robbers" which are showing up in your daily life. Learn to start using your positive energy in a way to be honest and real about becoming aware of exactly what you need. Newly learned skills can begin to create a happy, healthy, balanced life you are so deserving of. There are many more bits of information with great ideas and exercises in Dr Wilson's book. I highly recommend you review this book if you have an interest in handling stress so it does not handle you with effects from adrenal fatigue.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Acceptance Vs Acknowledgement

Recently the topic of dealing with "unexpected happenstances" in our lives came up for discussion. Reference was made to how "good meaning" people will tell others what would work best for someone having a similiar experience. We all have the most honorable intentions for helping others however our recommendations can be based soley on the life experiences we previously have had.

In the stressful times we are going through presently, we can be bombarded with several situatons all at once or at real close intervals of time. What we all are not aware of is the next calamity which will come without warning. Each of us has a different method of coping with stress and traumatic events which when presented, take us to a new emotional high. When it happens to others, hopefully what we verbally share with them will be nurturing, effective, positive, helpful and supportive.

Currently being part of a grief support for the last 22 years I can only say that these interactions between people are not always warm and fuzzy. There is a phrase called, "untintentional ignorance" which best fits situations when we say things to people and they react negatively to it. They didn't mean to say that particular thing, however that is what they have learned over time. We will not realize it is the wrong thing until we get the necessary feedback to help educate us. Example: a young adult living with a brain tumor has a stroke and suddenly dies. Someone talking with the family may say something like," he is better off now so as to not have to struggle with his condition anymore or this is God's will". The person on the receiving end of these comments will get mad at both you and God however, will take it out directly on you for being the one present. Reason being that any time they have to still spend with their loved one is better than their dying. If we say, " we just have to accept this and move forward or go on", that might sound good to the sender but not to the receiver. Acknowledging the loss, yes, that is important however being accepting of the death might just take a little time to do that.

Unless you have experienced death, sudden death or some type of a traumatic loss, divorce etc, all of the ways we experience grief will be as different as our fingerprints for everyone. We usually can be real safe by giving hugs, saying, "there are no words, I am just really sorry to hear this" and then just ask for their guidance to help them through it. If we are mindful of these platitudes, as we so unconsciously express them, we will definitely have a better chance to not alienate the very people we are looking to help suppport. I know you might be saying, "gee Bob I would never hurt someone at a time like that". I do realize that and it would never be an outright intention. What the history of our grief group's contribution to this topic has been, says that there is an absolute need to educate the public about how to handle these situations with more awareness and consciousness.

Generally, we will never have had any formal training in expressing grief, just sharing with others what we have heard people say. I hope this might help in some small way the next time you encounter someone's grief with their loss.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

6 Ways Which Destroy Relationships

Why is that when we as human beings profess to care or be concerned about anyone else, will allow such negative actions, reactions and attitudes to enter into our world? Unfortunately, the very way we think and care about our own self has a way of infecting others. There are as many different ways we can create and bring about dissension in our lives. Specifically showcasing the following I can only hope, will generate some change of thinking and behaving if any of these are alive and unwell in your life.

(1) History Keeping: When someone is always dredging up the past and reciting old transgressions, this can quickly inject discontent and fuel some anger in a conversation. It is cruel to work so hard on memorizing the past of negative events and then to verbally beat someone up with it over and over again, as though they can go back in time and erase it. We learn from the past we do not "burn" someone with it continually.

(2) Blame Gaming: This one is right up there with verbal abuse in my opinion. Many situations are fueled by one's attempt to get a person feeling bad about choices they have made. More often than not, most people realize the ills of having made a choice which didn't work out so well. How in the world does dog piling on them more, help them to move forward and grow? Too often we will be blamed by others so much, as if there is a reward for doing so. Either verbally or physically pointing a finger at someone is never going to work out. If for the moment, it seems to be a good idea, just think of how you dislike it when that is done to you. No one enjoys being blamed or shamed about anything.

(3) Non forgiving: For way too long, having any unforgiving spirit will only harden peoples attitude towards you. If there is not an ounce of forgiveness in your soul, what chance will there be of you receiving any if that is important for you? None of us, I repeat, none of us have got the authority over an other's life to be so entrenched in being unforgiving. The Chinese Proverb says it best, "He who pursues revenge shall dig two graves, one for them self and one for the other person."

(4) Attacking: When we think of what this word conjures up in us, think of an attack dog OR being attacked by a robber, How does the person being attacked feel? If never having been in either situation we can never really feel what it is about. However, we all have a pretty good idea of what it would be like. Tell you what. If you want to do some attacking, attack the weeds in the yard, a large painting project or any other large task. Gently approach the soul, mind and spirit of another human being.

(5) Right Fighting: This one can appear to be self explanatory. A person who has to be right, act right or have the world go right (according to them), generally is filled up with one thing and that is "not enough". Their inner feeling of "not enoughness" produces conflict with other people in their life. They essentially have to take from others with this form of invasion, to feel okay. An attitude of right fighting and having the last word is most paramount to filling a void in one who cannot be filled. It screams very loudly that their own sense of self esteem, personal power and self worth is that far off the road and in the ditch. Learn to fill your own cup, continually overflowing so you will, be, can, do and will always have enough.

(6) Manipulating: This one has such a control issue attached to it, which when utilized, is symbolically murdering the spirit of another human being. Sounds hard I know. People who think they are in control of everything are in control of nothing. To manipulate is to take the very control of someone else's life. Yes--they are giving you that control and at some point will take it back. In the meantime, what they are signing on for is a form of brain washing. By not being a responsible person, the manipulator will make the other person responsible for them. The sad thing is manipulators will never be pleased enough by someone else. YOU will generally be criticized for not doing things right. Manipulators can be quite pronounced and visible in their tactics, but most often they are very devious, subtle and conniving. Eventually, people will get fed up, used up and will want out at all costs.

I hope by just shining a bright light on these will help put into perspective what doesn't work and will never be effective in any relationship. Now is the time to put a stop order in place and say no more. Begin to stand for what is pure, good, healthy, positive, productive and forthright.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Self Talk Follow up--What Do We Do With This?

In regards to the previous lettergram I sent out on "Self Talk", I have had a number of requests to go further with this topic. Primarily this has to do with more of the "How To" when we talk to our self so we will keep this light and airy. Oh-before going any further I need to make a correction about a reference to an author's name in my last mailing. Terry Cole-Whittaker is the author of "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business", not Elizabeth Kirpatrick.
So much of our day to day interactions with others can be divided into two categories; contamination and contribution. When inner conflict shows up as outer turmoil, the result is generally contamination between people. Ill feelings obviously happen and then a falling out takes place. Thoughts we have which we can label "toxic" are going to adversely affect the relationship we have with others.
So how do we make sure we are contributing to our own mental well-being, when extended to others will form healthier unions? Let's recognize that there are different levels of thinking which create more effective styles of communicating. If more of our thoughts are negatively charged, much of what we, as well as others will hear us make statements like, "I can't-don't, I wish, could, should and if only. These are extremely self limiting and self defeating. No One deserves a plan which is geared for failure.
The next form of destructive self talk involves watered down self intentions for "wanting" to be different, however it just doesn't happen. Hearing words such as "could have, would have, should have" will more often show some intent but not very deliberate convictions. We must be more diligent of what we hear and what others hear us say.
What we all want is a solid plan for success and being totally committed to a healthier process of communicating. We will create this by listening to what we are "thinking" about and then speaking it. We continue to contribute to everyone concerned by paying strict attention to our thoughts.
Now we knock the "T's" out of can't, won't and don't. We will speak in terms of can, will and do! We become more action oriented about being committed to change. Just with this minor shift in our behavioral thinking will begin to program our mind and attitude toward more positive expressions. Your brains' conscious and subconscious wiring only knows what you teach it. These proactive methods of thinking will begin shifting your conscious awareness, taking you in the direction you want to go, becoming the person you want to be to others and yourself.
I hope this has shed some light on ways we can daily begin elevating the lives of all concerned.
Thank you again for all the support.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

How Important is Self Talk?

We all have certain thoughts and "perceptions" about what our truths are. When you look at these, ask yourself if they both are accurate and on point? OR have they both just become your reality over time?
Too many times we will repeat to ourself, things we have heard people say to us or what we say to self after making a decision which didn't go very well. Somehow we just dogpile on our own psyche and bombard it with gross negativity.
Because we as humans will have over 50,000 thoughts daily, we had better become more effective gate keepers about what we are storing in the most magnificient computer ever created-the one we call our brain. Isn't it just sort of miraculous how two people can look at exactly the same thing and see something totally different? Learn to listen attentively to people who have different opinions of you yet always be searching for truth. Ask any law enforcement officer about eyewitnesses to an accident to check this out.
What we hold as our truths about ourselves, others and life, needs to be challenged on a regular basis. When it comes to our opinion of others, many times we may act too impulsively before realizing that we do not have to change friends rather understand that friends change.
One of my favorite sayings from Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." I add the word "people" to that because we all can get too judgemental about others.
We are always busy subconsciously, saying things to ourselves, mostly about us, which is negativly impacting our self esteem, self worth and self confidence. Whether we realize it or not it is generally chipping away at what we call our personal power. Become kinder and more gentle with yourself no matter what the situation, because your subconscious is constantly at work, storing all of your thoughts as you think them.
By managing our thoughts effectively, be ready to challenge what you hear yourself or someone else say. No matter how long or many times you have heard something, there is just as much possibility of it being wrong as opposed to being correct. Either way, a change of venue needs to happen. Always protect and enhance your self esteem as to what you think about you is most important. Just as Elizabeth Kirpatrick wrote of her book title, "What You Think of Me is None of My Business", this needs to become our mantra. Amen- period, end of story.!!!!
No matter who, what, where, when, or why, whatever situations and no matter the consequences, those who are the most honest with themselves will be the ones to travel farthest in life and will prevail.
Our self talk is all about self control. Starting today, no matter where we came from, what we have done or said-whatever our circumstances have dictated to us-we now are charged with who we become. That is our main responsibility. Take a shower of positive energy and ask yourself:
  • Who am I?
  • What do I care about?
  • What makes me me?
  • What have I accomplished?
  • How do I discipline myself positively?
  • What am I good at?
  • What makes me happy?

Lastly, there are two great sayings I believe are at the base of what we are talking about here--Marcus Aurelius said,"Our life is what our thoughts make it." Finally, Cardinal Neuman said, "We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe".

Thank you always for your continued support and have a great day!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Where Are The Leaders???

We hear this word used to describe ones in advisory capacities and positions, however how do they measure up in their leadership abilities? Are leaders born or are they made? Everyone has a different take on that I am sure but one thing we all can agree on is that we all would require our leaders to possess certain qualities and attributes to command our respect, support and dedication.
Whether this is a national, state, county, civic, business or even a family issue, a leader has a responsibility to the very people they are in charge of. What do you require of a person you would consider to be a leader worth following? Have you ever thought of what a leader in your life needs to stand for? Can we agree that the very person we tap as a leader will have the innate ability to empower others to stand tall and large, especially when it comes to fully and freely expressing wants, needs, expectations, frustrations and concerns?
This all has to do with the image one presents of themself to others. Their very own values are speaking for them daily, communicating to everyone they meet by their actions observed. I also think we would prefer a leader to be quite accesssible: a good comparative analogy would be a wagonwheel with our leader being the hub supporting us, the spokes of the wheel. This promotes an open pathway of both communication and support for all concerned.
In regards to the topic of communicating, Admiral Rickover of the U. S. Navy said it best, "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and small minds discuss people."Good solid leaders are generally vested in their people. Once again, empowering others in the successful development of each ones's potential always benefits everyone and the whole organization. Some of the qualities that go into developing a "LEADER" can be as follows: Listens attentively--Empathetic approach to others--Attitude of being healthy and positive--Disciplined constructively--Enthusiasm displayed genuinely with all--Respectful of all's views and positions. Many people come and go in leadership positions however I would hope we all would be and become proactive when it comes to expressing what works best for all of us. Everyone knows how to get the job done and with a realistic timeline, coupled with good direction, the job will generally go quite smoothly.
Leaders--we ask that the art of commanding be utilized not being demanding.posted by Bob Riley @ 12:41 PM 0 Comments
Posted by Bob Riley at 1:59 PM

Mars and Venus Continuing On

Because Mars and Venus are are so different, as John Gray continues to instruct us, their communication styles also have marked differences. For instance: If a woman may complain about her life, immediately the man feels the need to offer her a solution. (As if she isn't able to figure it out on her own.) However, that is what men do is fix things. When she says,"I just don't have time or enough help to get things done at work." Once again, men will tell her to slow down, don't try to do so much and get some people to help.
To men, that makes sense-to women that is so far off base. Instead, say to her, "you are such a hard worker and always give your best. Can I give you a hug?" Now, you may tell her that she worries too much and works way too hard. "Let's just forget it and just go out". No-she will not and is unable to just forget it.
Right now, men just need to listen to all that is being said, give an offer to help or ask if there is anything you can do? A woman needs to be heard and once that is done and she has processed her feelings, she will feel much better. Just refrain from fixing any problem. Offering up some explanation for why things are will most likely be met with silence or resistance.
Just stay neutral, validate what and how it must be affecting her without doing any fixing. Ask if there is something you can do to help her. This is rather confusing, however with a little bit of work, we men can learn the rhythm of communicating on Venus.
Next time, John Gray will show us what men are thinking and saying. Until then.....................

Mars Mistakenly Communicating To Venus

When guys are not aware of their words or actions, they send large messages to women. When initially getting to know a woman, men can go on and on about either themself or about life theories they embrace.Women want men to be attracted to them for who they are and to demonstrate an obvious interest in her. Men need to understand that their knowledge about life etc, doesn't create an automatic attraction interest of him in her. THIS is a definite turn off. Being in conversation with a woman, when they display negative feelings about a situation or a person, this does not mean she is "hard to please."
We share equally with one another ALL sides of us because that is what forms the bond of a relationship. Men-take the focus off what you want and you will begin to see her in a dilfferent light. Never cease to extend compliments to a woman. A continuous flow of them, no matter how long you have been together, will always indicate your appreciation and interest in her. This helps to fuel the attraction she will have toward you.
Never become complacent about a relationship thinking you can live off the interest of your initial emotional deposit of having won her love and think you can now coast along, assuming she knows that you care. Always be in tune with what she is interested in while displaying your interest in her, That will heighten the attraction you will both have for one another, while strengthening the relationship, as you grow together.
In the last part of this series we will see how vitally important it is on both planets when it comes to making apologies.------------ Be well!!!

10 Things Kids Need To Give Them Hope

To be instilling a sense of optimism and feeling positive about themselves and others, we as adults need to concentrate on providing hope to youngsters. Let's look at what we can proactively do everyday.

First: Let's create healthy self esteem and competence in young ones. We do that by developing a confident sense of self.

Second: We need to affirm cultural competence and we help them by being proud of their heritage.

Third: Let's help children identify and express feelings they have which will help them understand themselves and others better.

Fourth: Let's role model what empathy is so they can learn what others are feeling.

Fifth: Let's demonstrate what perseverance is so we can show them what not giving up means.

Sixth: We need to role model responsibility which will show children what needs to be done, how to do it and how to complete it.

Seventh: Showing children the cause and effect of choices made will teach them how to associate the effects of certain actions.

Eighth: Teach them the technique of reframing which helps them look at problems differently and with a much more positive attitude.

Ninth: This is critical-problem solving, which done in the right way will teach them throughout their life to find once again, positive solutions to whatever problems they encounter.

Tenth: This need not be surprising, optimism and hope. Providing hope through their life will help to keep happiness in their life. There is an acronym for hope which is: Hold On Possibilities Exist!

Advocating for children is something I believe we are all charged with and if done with the correct mindset in place, children will have such a better shot at a more well rounded future and well balanced, happy life.

Let's Choose Happiness

Recently I saw a publication that one of my readers recently sent my way titled, "You Can Choose to Be Happy" by Tom Stevens. The title had reminded me of a book I had read years ago name "What Happy People Know" by Dr. Dan Baker. Yes I do enjoy filling myself up with as much of the positive minded attitudes I can find. Dr. Baker had said that there are as many as 54,000+ articles written on depression, anger, negativity etc however only a few hundred about positivity, happiness and the like.Ever wonder why we are being bombarded with TV commercials pushing medicines to quell these conditions?
Please understand that I am fully aware that in many peoples lives medicines are proper and necessary for daily functioning. However, for the rest author Tom Stevens is telling us we can "Rise Above" anxiety, fears, anger and depression. What we all must define is our self talk we listen to all day long.
What is your little voice saying to you? We all have a very special "you" inside of us who needs to be discovered. I believe that by understaanding the power of choice is important for all of us. If we do not choose to be happy then by default we are choosing something else. THAT may take a minuite or two to sink in.
A true and accurate statement--Happiness is hard work. Some of us have more insight to this than others. I have a rule of thumb about creating what you want in life. "Treat others as nice as you would like to be treated". I will ask you to join my Smile and Compliment Club! Each day as you saddle up to go out the door, place a big smile on that face and go give away as many sincere, genuine and honest compliments to others who are just going through their day living their life. Become "enough" to yourself by giving to others. By continuing to be critical, judgemental or have venom in your veins towards others, a true sense of happiness will continue to elude you. None of us have been given permission to be so pessimistic to anyone. Be mindful of the positive thoughts you fill yourself up with. Remember--you will become what you think about the most. Be careful--a positive thought heals, a negative thought steals--clearly again your choice!!! Deciding to be positive will increase your chances of problem solving abilities.With the holidays here and with this being the season of giving, it can become the purest form of appreciation. It is all about the giving because it asks nothing in return.
So begin with yourself first, THEN extend outward to others. This is something to personally experience (feel it) more so than making it a mental exercise.We all were taught to be responsibile for our actions however we were never told to be responsible for our feelings. Somehow we missed the memo.
Making a choice to be happy is to be proactive about stepping out of your comfort zone and do the work to achieve the desired results. I hope all of your choices will be positive as you travel along your journey to happiness.

Let's Create Some Space In Our Life

Sometimes we are going so fast that we do not either slow down, or stop all together to take an in depth look at what we need for our own self. Some of us have been programmed to the point where we are the perpetual caregivers to the entire universe. If you think about it, doing that is no gift at all to us, or to others, who are being taught to always turn to us for help or rescue.
At some point, we are going to come to the realization that this is just not working for us anymore. Look at the word "selfish". As young children, we were taught not to be this way, yours truly included. however, in the world of coaching, we will tell you to first make two words out of one: "self-ish". We give to each one of us the permission, to have the utmost care and regard for our own self development. As we relate this to our family, friends, job/work associates-we must always be aware that taking care of "self" is job one. The process of doing that is the "ish" part. It is ALL about taking care of self.
Now that we have defined it, why don't we look at some of the ways we can implement the "how" factor.? First, let's begin to unclutter your life. Where can we begin cleaning and clearing out a space to fit new ways of "being and doing" into your daily plan? As a result of the being and doing you will eventually get to the "having" part. Next, clear your calendar-learn to say no. This is self explanatory and easier said than done-I get it. I'm not saying you have to do it, just that it is necessary you begin it. Then, keep your free time "FREE". Only you make that happen or not.
Take time to meditate. Listen to the rhythm of your soul's consciousness. Take time for this. How about, return to the simplicity of nature? This one I have been taught by my clients. It works. Be careful of the critical people in your life. I have mentioned this before about developing the mindset of the book title,"What you think of me is none of my business". Crude? Not really. We are not running a popularity contest nor are we seeking the approval of others. If you are please call me immediately!! Take time for your health. Once you lose this or compromise it is difficult to get it back. Let this be a daily focus. Slow down-there's more to life than making it go faster. Make each day a day to reflect back on. DEBT-Do what you can to remove it from your life.
Once again--I'm not saying you have to do this OR any of the above, I just believe it is necessary to consider these to dial down the very stress these can be creating in you. Last of all, focus on you. Ideally it needed to be the first one we talked about however, I wanted this to be the last one you thought about the most. You-You-You! You are important. Remember--SELF -- Ish?Two thoughts I will leave you with; "The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything".
Last but definitely not least, "Live simply, love generously and care deeply". Something I am sure I saw in a store on a plaque somewhere. It makes sense!!!! Thanks always for your time, interest and support. I am truly grateful."BE" a great day!!!

Follow Up On Boundaries

Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else's standards or demands, is not living a full functioning life.
We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically). Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person's head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations.
Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.
As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. IMMEDIATELY--when you realize that someone is crossing the line, especially verbally, say to yourself in your head first, "I will not take your guilt".
Now that you are warmed up, let those words roll right off your lips. It is very empowering. If unable, then just say it to yourself mentally until you can express it. Picture a hula hoop and 50 feet of garden hose in a circle. Those represent your boundaries. Without any verbal responses to people, they can get real close to you. Hence the hula hoop. Not much room to move around in. However when you begin to address these remarks and verbal attacks, letting others know what you will tolerate and won't tolerate will put them on notice that change is coming about and it is all "about" you. NOW you step out of the hula hoop and step into the 50 feet of garden hose. Much more room to operate in as people will only get as close to you that you let them. Give this a run around the block a couple of times and see if you have success with it.
I am not saying this is easy to do nor that you have to. I am saying that it is necessary for your own survival and quality of life. I am also saying that as long as you allow these situations to continue, you can expect more of the same.So-unless and until you decide what you want in your life, just expect the same old stuff to continue.
EVERYONE is allowed to establish boundaries between ourselves(what we accept from ourself and what we won't), others and situations. When it becomes difficult and you loose your way, then it is time to call the Coach. I wish you Godspeed with this, as we can always disuss this at length by taking advantage of my free offer of 30 minutes of free coaching. Thanks again for your time!!
posted by Bob Riley @ 10:53 PM 0 Comments

Monday, March 16, 2009

How To Enhance Your Career or Profession

I have had a number of conversations with career counselors and advisors of folks seeking career moves. One of the common grounds we seem to agree on is that there are a percentage of people who hold jobs they seem to be less than satisfied with. On the other hand, there are employers who are tolerating workers just to keep a position filled. In each case scenario, a prospective employer will be looking really careful as to who they have in their employ. Are there folks who just may be going along to get along? Will they do today what they did yesterday because they have gotten very lax and complacent in their routine? If someone came along to demonstrate quite a bit more enthusiasm or interest in this certain position, wouldn't a employer be inclined to look at you differently? Just the fact that if the right person came along to fill that position, all of a sudden somone is unexpectedly looking for a job. Taking a hard look at what we are doing and who we are becoming, I believe, is most important to continue helping us to remain most "attractive". Two distinct qualities which will help you with that is to have a very positive attitude while greeting everyone with a smile. It is said that will give you "face value". Think about how you feel when you are greeted by someone who knows how to effectively display both of these qualities. When answering a telephone, make sure you have your smile on before you start talking. A positive attitude without a doubt helps you to stay out of conflict with your supervisors, customers and fellow workers. By displaying a negative disposition and adversarial reactions will surely undermine your chances for job longevity and chances for advancement. There is an expression, "Who you are speaks so loud I cannot hear what you are saying". Absolutely speaks volumes of who we are and sometimes we just don't have to open our mouth for people to know that about us. No matter what you do for a living, if you are being paid a check then somehow you are providing a service. Look at the word--S_E_R_V_I_C_E--make two words out of it. SERV / ICE--Do you really "serv" or is there "ice" in your disposition, mannerisms and verbal reactions? Ask trusted associates for thier feedback if this is of interest to you for determining truth about you. We constantly need to keep drilling down to our core truth for proper and total self development. Know yourself to teach others about you personally, get into relationship with yourself first before extending outward to others, while engaging everyone you meet with a smile. When you decide exactly what you want, you will create the necessary steps to get there. If the job/career you have is not the one you want, do not let someone take it from you because you my not have been aware of some of this information. It makes most sense to make a choice to be proactive about things than having to be reactive. Remember--with any place of employment the 85/15 rule: 15% of what you know gets you in the door however the 85% of who you are and what you are about is what keeps you there!!!! Have a great day and best of luck to you!!

How We Can Be Happy

Recently I saw a publication that one of my readers recently sent my way titled, "You Can Choose to Be Happy" by Tom Stevens. The title had reminded me of a book I had read years ago name "What Happy People Know" by Dr. Dan Baker. Yes I do enjoy filling myself up with as much of the positive minded attitudes I can find. Dr. Baker had said that there are as many as 54,000+ articles written on depression, anger, negativity etc however only a few hundred about positivity, happiness and the like.
Ever wonder why we are being bombarded with tv commercials pushing medicines to quell these conditions? Please understand that I am fully aware that in many peoples lives medicines are proper and necessary for daily functioning. However, for the rest author Tom Stevens is telling us we can "Rise Above" anxiety, fears, anger and depression. What we all must define is our self talk we listen to all day long. What is your little voice saying to you? We all have a very special "you" inside of us who needs to be discovered.
I believe that by understanding the power of choice is important for all of us. If we do not choose to be happy then by default we are choosing something else. THAT may take a minute or two to sink in. A true and accurate statement--Happiness is hard work. Some of us have more insight to this than others. I have a rule of thumb about creating what you want in life. "Treat others as nice as you would like to be treated". I will ask you to join my Smile and Compliment Club! Each day as you saddle up to go out the door, place a big smile on that face and go give away as many sincere, genuine and honest compliments to others who are just going through their day living their life. Become "enough" to yourself by giving to others.
By continuing to be critical, judgemental or have venom in your veins towards others, a true sense of happiness will continue to elude you. None of us have been given permission to be so pessimistic to anyone. Be mindful of the positive thoughts you fill yourself up with. Remember--you will become what you think about the most. Be careful--a positive thought heals, a negative thought steals--clearly again your choice!!!
Deciding to be positive will increase your chances of problem solving abilities. With the holidays here and with this being the season of giving, it can become the purest form of appreciation. It is all about the giving because it asks nothing in return. So begin with yourself first, THEN extend outward to others. This is something to personally experience (feel it) more so than making it a mental exercise.
We all were taught to be responsibile for our actions however we were never told to be responsible for our feelings. Somehow we missed the memo. Making a choice to be happy is to be proactive about stepping out of your comfort zone and do the work to achieve the desired results. I hope all of your choices will be positive as you travel along your journey to happiness.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Life Strategies For Living

Please look over this list and see if there is at least one strategy out of the several listed which could be beneficial for either yourself or help someone you know.

WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS---With all of the negativity flying around today, no matter where we tend to be, let's agree that we will not participate by adding our two cents. Our self talk is busy all day long telling our subconscious what to think. If we are going to be focusing in on just negatives guess what we end up thinking and feeling? We end up "reacting" to not only our thoughts but everyone who crosses our path during the day. The fact that we have close to 50,000+ thoughts a day, how many of those are positively charged and helping us in a constructive way? We are the gatekeepers to our mind so let us be more proactive in the moment so we do not have to go back and undo damage not otherwise focused on.
HOW DO YOU COPE?---What coping strategies do you utilize? Are they effective? Are they worn out? Whichever ones we have been using up to this point will be reflective of the amount of stress you are under and can endure. Nothing torpedoes us more than to have a new situation arise, needing to be dealt with and a worn out coping skill is used to expect different results. We all see the insanity here. Identify if you are "reacting" or "responding to this dilemma. When we react we tend to be more emotional and "start acting things out" rather than "working things out." We need to discover a language and add it to this experience. Start asking for what you want, need expect or what you will tolerate from others. Be specific. Do not rely on others to hopefully get your message through some divine intervention.
BE A GOAL SETTER---What goals have you set for yourself for this new year?? Have you? And if you have what is your completion percentage rate of accomplishing them? We all start out with these good intentions however we fall short of the mark sometimes for one reason or another. May I offer some tips? Keep your goals the size of your ability to complete them. Losing weight? Lose just a few pounds at a time. Going to be more productive? Break them down into small areas of accomplishments to set yourself up for success. With any goal you are going to set, make sure you are setting a realistic time line for completion. Define what you want to achieve and then take small measureable steps toward your goal. Also- --have an accountability partner that you trust, respect and can depend on to hold your feet to the fire as far as meeting these short term goals. This will assure you of obtaining your desired results while receiving some very accurate and responsible feedback. The more you receive the more informed you will become as you are developing your plan for success. Do what is needed t0 move forward into the direction you want to go, without letting anyone or anything derail you.
Maintain an Attitude of Gratitude--Do you consciously decide to have a grateful attitude? This is and can be done by design. We create the way we will regard ourselves not leaving that job to anyone else. Having a healthy, positive, truly grateful approach to life and people is more important than all the money, cars, houses, planes etc. that one can possibly gather. Decide what you are truly grateful for each day as you suit up to go out into the world engaging others. It will make a tremendous difference in the life you will sart living instead of just existing in.
Forgiving Self and Others---Have you taken the time to stop long enough to give yourself a shower of forgiveness in regards to past circumstances? As hard as it is to forgive yourself goes to show you how adept we get at holding grudges. Please note that holding a grudge is the heaviest thing you will ever carry all of your life. Anger, resentment and a lack of forgiving are some of the major things in life which can destroy a person. We need to find the peace within to be able to extend it out to others. This is not about forgetting. Absolutely not, however the longer you carry this around the old Chinese proverb says it very clearly that, "A man who cannot forgive and seeks revenge must dig two graves--one for himself and one for the other person." Let the peace begin with you as the old hymm says. I believe the Beatles were very clear and succinct when they said, "The love you take is equal to the love you make!"
Want Happiness? Build Solid Relationships--Relationships start with ourself first. Work to undertand who you are, what you stand for, what you need, want, deserve, enjoy, expect or are willing to tolerate. Once learned then you can healthily go out and share that with the world. To have true empathy for others is a sure sense of accomplishment. It does remain though the hardest thing to teach, the hardest thing to learn yet is the easiest thing to forget. A happy person will know about and have an unending supply of empathy to constantly share with everyone they meet. You will gravitate towards happiness and will have a healthy relationships by developing commitment, sincerity, and hardwork to achieve your desired results.
Develop A Generous Spirit---This one sounds easier said than done. People who have been hurt, disrespected, lied to, abused in some way, has had mistrust, and dishonest people in and out of their lives may say, "sure Bob-of course I will be more generous in giving away even more of myself--right!" No matter the hurts, pain, anger, resentments and discomfort felt or experienced, by harboring these you will only give more of your own personal power away to those who will use it against you. Let's strategize a method and plan of success by realizing that it takes an inside effort to make an outside difference. Start releasing all the negativity held inside to make room for this generous spirit you will be working on to fill yourself up with. The sooner you begin to become bold and courageous in this area of your life-when you look back on this time frame you travel through (and you will)--we do not want you to end up regretting the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. Now is the time to get started--get busy!!!!!!!

How Do I Become More Patient????

As I ask more and more people about self development issues, the three which seem to be of the most interest are: Tolerance--Acceptance--Patience. How can they acquire these qualities? Take the first letter of each word and you have--TAP! Tap-Tap-Tap. A rhythm to walk to daily if you will. Let's break each one down.
TOLERANCE: To be able to tolerate someone or something, in going by Mr. Webster's language he tells us to,"respect others beliefs, practices etc. and to just put up with things". SOOO much easier to say than do, I get it. Whether it be people or situations, so many of us will get into conflict with only ourselves in the room. It is like we go through "conflict zones" when the only person common to these is our self. To extend respect means we must have a high level of self respect. Therein lies a certain amount of awareness & work required to create that if missing. Where a number of people exhibit that conflict is in being "judgemental" of others, when indeed a part of their personality makeup is about judging in interacting with the outside world. One needs to learn how to use that quality positively-not negatively by putting people off.

AcceptanceThis area of self growth has three components: (1) Be accepting of yourself. (2) Accept things as they are. (3) Last and as important accept people as they are. Somehow in toddlerhood we learned that by resisting things/people repeatedly and long enough, eveything including everybody would change. Not the way life is to be lived, however there is so much resistance out there. By following the rule of three, as far as acceptance goes, you will experience continued growth of yourself and others. Then life changes. And---last but certainly not least:

PATIENCE: This becomes the end result of acquiring the first two qualities. Having patience, in this Coach's most humble opinion, is something we develop as we stroll through life as opposed to just showing up in the world having it. Again Mr. Webster's words of wisdom defines "Patience" as, calmly "tolerating" delay, confusion and having endurance. SO-how do we accomplish all of this. BOLO--a law enforcement term meaning,"Be On Look Out. Discover what trips your internal triggers, usually emotionally. Decide if this is about you or someone else.

When you reframe things and run it through this different filter before reacting, it will help you to think it through clearly. With everything that happens, people or situations, consider it all as an "IT". IT will never be about a "YOU". When you respond to an "it", it will require information about the subject and not run the other person into the ground. Once you can make that distinction it frees everyone up to be able to speak freely, removing people from the equation.

What are YOU going to do about how you accept, tolerate and bring patience to all matters? It is and can be difficult however learning more and more about "self" places everyone in a much better frame of mind to be in far more postive control of themselves. Keep growing and keep learning!!!!!!!

How To Have a More Functional Family

When we all make decisions to create our family units, there are a number of responsibilities we need to be aware of which come naturally with the territory. One thing to remember--a blast from the past--F.A.M.I.L.Y--stands for: FATHER AND MOTHER I LOVE YOU!! We all want to protect, support, defend, nuture, guide, share, love and respect the very people who we share DNA with. We all bring so much of our own personal history to these families we begin relationships with.
We all will have a tendency to unconsciously enmesh the old with the new. By following a few guidelines to chart a new course of direction, here are a few ways to develop a new focus for the family system. Everything starts with family so let us begin with having a spirit of healthy forgiveness. No blame gaming, guilt inducing, resentments, negative attitudes and the like. Truly forgive and let go, so as to have the best chance to be able to grow. Forgiveness starts with our self first so we can effectively give that away to others. Aren't they deserving and worth it? Be open and all encompassing with others. Allow others to genuinely have a place in your life. Create healthy family bonds and loving relationships. Your life will be far more enriched by being more inclusive then exclusive (that meaning excluding others).
Another important facet of healthy families is to express not suppress, demonstrate and respect feelings. Having and role modeling an expressive way of dealing with feelings is a sure fire way of honoring and embracing each family member. They feel the love, joy and validation of just being them. Openly displaying feelings is a way to genuinely teach others to "be and feel" who they authentically are. Many times feelings are discarded, discounted and ignored which stunt people's development. Remember--in order to heal it we must first feel it!!! This rule of thumb applies to people and all of life's situations.
Another healthy functioning component is to have effective ways to set our boundaries in place while we acknowledge, accept and respect others. Having and being respective of ourselves and others will always be reflected by honoring appropriate boundaries. Say what you mean, mean what you say however just do not say it mean. If you want respect show respect--it is that simple.
That is a good segway into our last segment which is creating autonomy in everyone. By exercising self control and not being controlling, manipulative, intimidating or perfectionistic, people can grow inmeasureably under your guidance. It will also demomstrate to others that mature, high functioning adults are role modeling properly to all who live under your roof. I know there are as many more ways to beome high functioning, however following these handful of suggestions can elevate the standards of your family and set in place happy memories to reflect back on.
If you were filming a movie of your life, recording every iota and bit of daily information happening realtime, what would your documentary look like???? Just a thought to ponder. I saw something in my years of being in the Child Care business, "Children do not question the wrong doings of adults, they suffer them". Hmmmmmmm??? Food for thought.
Once again, thank you for allowing me to share thoughts and ideas with you and for your continued support. It is greatly appreciated.
Happy trails and giddy up!!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

How To Be More Effective in The Workplace

In today's very turbulent downturn economy, with job security being on the decline and job scarcity being on the increase, what are the things you can do to help increase your chances of staying employed at the job you have? What we will talk about are also qualities you can develop within yourself, which you can claim to bring to anyone's organization. If there is any question about how and what you can do to increase your chances of retaining your position at your job, by all means turn over all of the stones to find the answers. One line of thinking about who you are, no matter the place, people, or situations would be your attitude. Sounds quite simplistic I know, yet many people get tripped up over this. By utilizing a healthy, positive, infectuous attitude towards others, you will never have to be the smartest one in your department. IF the smartest person in a job setting showed to be caustic, frustrating or difficult to get along with the othr 22 associates, guess who will become the odd person out? People with good attitudes are teachable and trainable to tun the "gidgets to make the widgets". Having patience is quite important so when things do not go well, you will remain calm and navigate your way through it. This can be quite a role modeling value for others in times of stressful situations. The ability to be and stay in control of self to demonstrate to others how to do this, is a great leadership quality. Two qualities I strongly believe go hand in hand are that of responsibility and dependibility. If you demonstrate being a responsible enough person to be extremely dependable, these will speak volumes to folks as will being courteous, honest, mannerly and polite. Having a dropout in any of the above mentioned qualities can affect your tenure dramactically.
I wish you continued success in all your career endeavors.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Making The Best Decisions Anyway

Many times we are confronted with either people or situations which require some thinking or movement on our side. Sometimes we fret and complain about them and sometimes we naturally resist knowing full well a change of heart or direction is required. Resisting takes a tremendous amount of energy and in the final analysis we "generally" will do what is best for all--but not always. People will have a tendency to want to roll over you like a steamroller just to get their way. Sometimes you will realize what is happening and sometimes you won't. Life will come at you in ways which will have you be questioning your better judgement about making decisions. In light of all of these scenarios, I came across this anonymous passage and thought that it spoke very clearly to how and who we need to be.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of having an ulterior motive or being selfish---be kind anyways.
What you spend a year building, some people may try to destroy overnight--build anyway.
If you sre honest and frank, people will try to cheat you-be honest and frank anyway.
If you give the world the best you have and it may never be enough--give the world your best anyway.
If you find serentity and happiness--people willl be jealous--be happy anyway.
In the final analysis it is between you and God--it was never between you and them anyway.
The good you do today people will often forget tomorrow--but do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies--but succeed anyways.

With the start of the new year, many of us search for different ways of doing and becoming. Having a mental shift about some of the above mentioned areas of growing can bring change, peace, calm, control and a new focus for success. And remembeer--we cannot spell "success" without "U".

Friday, January 2, 2009

Developing Skills and Reducing Anxiety at Work

When we think of any job setting and the people who are responsible for its success, often we are confronted with very difficult personalities. When we ask the obvious question, "How in the world did that person ever get hired in their position?" We know that on the day of their hire, they placed their best foot forward to mask any potential problem of not getting this job. Once they become on staff, a quite insidious process begins happening. We begin to become negative about maybe the job, then the boss-manager-supervisor because they were not present on the day you were interviewed. Had they been, there is a possibility you might have detected an air of sarcasm, control, conflict, criticism etc, many of which help to torpedo your functionality and performance at work. And guess what? All of what happens during the day has a direct impact on your relationships, family and your emotional and physiological health. So by getting aligned with your career we are referring to the ways in which you handle conflict, disagreeable people, pushy or demeaning/controlling bosses--all of which can set you up for failure. We all have a certain way of tolerating things or people for just so long and then it comes time to retaliate. Generally we do this by stuffing alot until we are not able to and then we react. Usually that is negative and will come back to bite us. If you are in the career you really enjoy and you have people who make it so difficult daily, then we need to learn some skills to get them to back off. Wouldn't it be a shame if you were asked to leave a job that you really enjoyed doing however had a problem engaging difficult associate workers? Determine what it is that is the problem between you and the other person and then get to talking about how you can respond not react to the person and the nature of the conflict. Invest your time into the "what" is happening between you all not placing so much energy into the "who" of the arguement. That way you protect the security of your position at your place of employment and displays your ability to have workable skills to navigate through a dilemma. That is something which really pleases the folks in management positions. Good luck as 2009 gets underway and if any of these situations may be in need of repairing, address them openly with the other worker affected by this.