Saturday, July 26, 2008

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

There are times when we may not fully understand how subtle the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are having on our life. I recently came across nine of the most significant effects of these two forms of abuse. The Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness Organization puts these out as their campaign for consciousness which we must educate ourself about. These creep into our life and our psyche when we begin to loose sight of who and what we are about. Before we start listening to anyone's instructions of how we must conduct our very self, take careful notice if any of these are currently present in your life. If you can relate, even remotely as to how someone who may be instrumental in "guiding" you, let these be warning bells, to put you on notice, to stop these in their tracks. Here are the nine effects of verbal/emotional abuse:

Distrust of one's own spontaneity
Loss of self confidence
Growing self doubt
Uncertainity of self
Loss of enthusiasm
Fear of being crazy
Having reluctance to come to any conclusions
Has a strong desire to escape or run away.
A constant, nagging concern that something is wrong with you.

Let these be the light to help guide you along your way of becoming the person you were meant to be. Positively impact your tomorrow and take a careful look at your right now. Let's begin today to create a different history, as we begin to walk out of that and into the light of a new beginning. Be the change you want to see happen in the world.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

How To Become A Leader

When observing a leader who is in charge of others, generally they display qualities of effectiveness. One great discernable quality you will recognize is “poise”. Leaders who exhibit poise display many role modeling characteristics, which they have truly mastered. We all develop these traits over time, through attrition and in “bite size pieces”. Learning to “calm” the negative opposites of being poised--rudeness, discontent, being critical and unapproachable, anger, uneasiness etc., is absolutely key in becoming a poised and competent leader. We calm ourselves first before we can calm others. Marie Curie once said, “We cannot hope to build a better world without improving individuals.”
If you are a leader or would like to become one, can you list 6 reasons why anyone would want to follow you? Do you look for what you want in others instead of what you don’t want? Are you a good motivator and builder of self worth, self confidence and self esteem in people? Does your message say “I am responsible”? Do you have an attitude of gratitude or “something else”? Let us be more concerned with leading others to be “on their way” instead of “in their way.”
Setting a positve, healthy, functional example of being a leader, definitely comes with experience. You will consistently have people's support, even though you will make mistakes along the way. If the very people you lead, know and understand you have their back, they will allow you the space for you to grow into, especially when they realize it also becomes better for them in the end. To sum this subject up, here are 5 soul searching questions to ask yourself, to help you develop this poise and effectiveness we are referring to:
1. Can you take a reprimand without blowing up?
2. Can you take a turndown without becoming discouraged?
3.Can you laugh with others when the joke is on you?
4.Can you keep your spirits up when things go wrong?
5.Can you keep cool in emergencies?
Master these five and you will become one of the most effective, rolemoldeling, accomplished and productive leaders who will lead with confidence!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

How Men Apologize and Women Give Forgiveness

With this being our last part of our Mars/Venus discussion, we will look at the way an apology and forgiveness needs to be done.
Men have this classic ability to offer up explanations when an apology is due. Sometimes this explanation will be embellished somewhat, to establish credibility with his woman. Interesting enough, the thought is, the better the explanation, the increased chance it will be believed and accepted. Wrong!! When men have an apology between men, one apologizes to the other, he accepts it-done deal, the conversation is over. When a man needs to give an apology to a woman, after the I'm sorry, the conversation has just begun. Women need to express their feelings about what the man did and make sure he knows why she is upset and understands it. A woman's ability to forgive will begin when she hears the description of what happpened. It is called a "Nadjective". This is referred to as a "negative adjective". If a man was rude, insensitive, offensive, he says, "I was rude, insensitive and/or offensive". Nadjectives!! She hears that "he gets it". Now she can move to doing the forgiving because he has the chance to respond to how she felt about this and how it affected her. Men-here's the key. Bring the "I"m sorry" right away. You owe it-she's due it--pony up. Next-listen to her response and hear her share the feelings which were created. This is not supposed to feel good so grin and bear it to learn the lesson. When she is done, then respond with the appropriate "nadjective". If you do not focus on your mistake, she will until you do. Your choice. Here's the distinction between saying I'm sorry and asking for forgiveness. When you say you are sorry, that means you didn't know what you were doing and someone got hurt in the process. Asking for forgiveness says that I knew what I was doing and I am ready to step up and take responsibility for what I did. The more a man apologizes and is forgiven, the more considerate he becomes. Strangely enough, by doing all of this, there is an incredible power we will have to bring more happiness into our life and isn't that what we all deserve?
I know this got quite long however I believe you will agree this is an important subject for us all to take notice of. Thank you John Gray for all your expertise/research about Mars and Venus and most of all, thank you all for your time!
Happy Trails!!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Mars Mistakenly Communicating To Venus

When guys are not aware of their words or actions-they send large negative messages to women. When initially getting to know a woman, men can go on and on "ad nauseum" about either them self or about their life theories. Woman prefer men to be attracted to them for who they are AND to demonstrate an obvious interest in her. Men-understand that because you may have a lot of knowledge and experience about things, places, accomplishments etc, that doesn't really impress her or create an attraction between she and you. This will be an immediate turn off. Women need to share who they are with you expecting a similar dialogue from you to her. She is looking to gain a sense of who and what you are about, while showing her your ability to demonstrate how you relate to her. Being in conversation with a woman, when she displays any negative feelings about someone or a situation, she is not to be judged as"hard to please" nor does she need input on what to do to advise her on a solution. Men are into fixing things and dilemmas however women think out loud to just share themselves. We need to share equally with one another all sides of us because that is what forms the bond of a relationship. Men-take the focus off what you want or desire and you will learn "about" and "see" her in a different light. Never cease to extend compliments to a woman. A continuous flow of them, not matter what length of time you have been together, will always transmit your love, appreciation and interest in her. This helps to fuel the attraction she will have toward you. Never become complacent thinking your relationship can be sustained by and live off the interest of your initial physical/(?)emotional investment. If you believe you have won her over and you can just coast along, assuming she knows that you care, you are in for a very rude awakening. Not a good plan. Always be aware of what she is interested in while displaying your interest in her. That will heighten the attraction you will both have for one another, while strengthening and growing the relationship together. Be well and happy relating!!!!!!!

*****The last part of this series will show how apologies are made on Mars and Venus.*******

Mars and Venus Continuing On

Because Mars and Venus are are so different, as John Gray continues to instruct us, their communication styles also have marked differences. For instance: If a woman may complain about her life, immediately the man feels the need to offer her a solution. (As if she isn't able to figure it out on her own.) However, that is what men do is fix things. When she says,"I just don't have time or enough help to get things done at work." Once again, men will tell her to slow down, don't try to do so much and get some people to help. To men, that makes sense-to women that is so far off base. Instead, say to her, "you are such a hard worker and always give your best. Can I give you a hug?" Now, you may tell her that she worries too much and works way too hard. "Let's just forget it and just go out". No-she will not and is unable to just forget it. Right now, men just need to listen to all that is being said, give an offer to help or ask if there is anything you can do? A woman needs to be heard and once that is done and she has processed her feelings, she will feel much better. Just refrain from fixing any problem. Offering up some explanation for why things are will most likely be met with silence or resistance. Just stay neutral, validate what and how it must be affecting her without doing any fixing. Ask if there is something you can do to help her. This is rather confusing, however with a little bit of work, we men can learn the rhythm of communicating on Venus.Next time, John Gray will show us what men are thinking and saying. Until then.....................